Christmas Present. Christmas Past. A lesson in how to be really crap.

Every year I say the same, but this year is going to be different. While I do believe that John Lewis is probably the best place ever, even my love of epic proportions does not stretch to the Oxford Street Branch on the 23^rd of December – a visit that has happened the last two years running. Each will remain in my mind for all the wrong reasons for all eternity. Panic, queues, sweat, frenzied buying spending pointless pounds on throw away crap. So, I resolve: Not again. Oh no. not this year.

There will be a different approach this year. I pinky promise.

I’ve already done about 50% of Little Companion’s Xmas AND Birthday (in Jan). I know – check me. I sat at my desk, logged into Amazon and got worryingly excited about a whole lot of Quentin Blake books  that I’d never seen before. I bought about 5 of them. I threw in a David Walliams illustrated book called ‘Gangsta Granny’ – it’s got to be a classic, right? Some audio books to keep Little Companion entertained in the car, and more importantly to save my sanity because if I have to listen to the ‘Very Hungry Catapillar’ one more time I think I’ll build myself my very own little house called a cocoon and crawl inside for a hell of a lot longer than two weeks, I can tell you. So I have made head way and I am feeling happy about it.

But... "Too easy!" I hear you cry. Yes... Sadly, that’s what I was thinking too.

This year I will be Thoughtful. I will make effort. There will be some form of personal touch and definitely no Boots gift sets at all.

So I sit down to think about what I should do. I’m quite creative, but the crux of the problem is that I’m seriously lazy sometimes. I think of all these amazing things to do, I get the stuff, I make the things, but here is my guilty secret. The process of finding the address, writing it on the package, getting stamps and putting the packages in the post kills me EVERY time. Literally every time. I hate it. I hate that it is at least a 3 tiered process, I hate that every time I don’t have one of my friend’s addresses I have to ask for it, again, and they know they've given it to me before, so are probably mildly irritated by me asking them for it again, and now they know that i'm going to send them something. All this because the last time I asked for it, I forgot to write it in my address book. The process is one of those things in life that manages to help me spiral in to a pit of self-loathing that Britney Spears circa 2008 would have been proud of.

It is mildly better now I sit by the franking machine at work, but not hugely as I can’t take the piss. But again, I am resolved that this year will be different. I have already located my address book. Every friend that I ask (again) for their address (SORRY!) - its going straight in. Fact. I am going to brave the Post Office if it gives me a hernia.

So I move on to thinking again. What am I going to do. Make cards? Make Xmas tree decorations? Baking! Biscuits! Short Bread! Oh god.. you can take the girl out of Scotland… I’ll be giving everyone tartan scotty dogs in a minute. Shoot me now.

Let’s be realistic, it’s probably going to be more likely that I’ll go to lidl bash up their Lebkuchen & put them in a slightly battered “homemade” box, get Little Companion to put far too much glitter on them, and go with that. As my previous posts re: trying to live cheaply proves, I’m all for bending rules, cheating and lying – within reason of course.

Had dinner with a friend recently, actually at Naked Chef Husband’s restaurant, she told she’d made elder flower cordial & sloe gin. Genuinely wanted to punch her – but didn’t because she’s so bloody lovely and perfect.  

So aside from fake homemade biscuits, I do have an idea. It’s such a cop out I know, but I have it covered – relatively easy, stress free, and I can add a personal touch to it: All relatives will receive Photos. Wedding photos to be precise, from 2009. They’ve been dropping not so subtle, well actually quite frankly sarcastic comments about ‘needing’ them for about 18 months now. And rightly so. So I know that they will definitely like them. My life just one guilty lurch after another where I’m constantly reminded of what I haven’t done, what I need to do… All I need to do now is remember to take a memory stick home, load the pics up onto it, fire up Photoshop work a bit of wizardry on them and get it to a Boots somewhere near me. Then post them out, with a handmade card. Done. Easy peasy.

I’ll let you know once I’ve achieved all of the above. I hope you’re still reading in 2017, and I’ll let you know how John Lewis is looking circa December 24^th 2011.